VOICE
This is a story about our family, said the men on the radio. And you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear a story about our family. Welcome to Night Vale.
[INTRO MUSIC]
VOICE
Listeners, I have a very special guest with me in the studio today. Some of you have probably seen him about town. Others of you have not. But all of you will get to hear him tonight.
Tim, why don’t you introduce yourself to the listeners?
ARCHIVIST
Thanks, Cecil, I’d love to.
Hello, Night Vale. My name is Tim Stoker. No relation to the famous horror novelist Bram Stoker, although you would be forgiven for thinking that, especially since every single person I work with also shares a surname, completely coincidentally, with a horror novelist. I work for the Magnus Institute of London, alongside my partners, Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, and our friends Sasha James and Melanie King.
VOICE
Tim, Martin, and Jonathan—and their son Charlie—have been staying with us all week. They’re family, after all. Jon is Carlos’ favorite cousin.
Actually, I think he might be Carlos’ only cousin. Of course with the exception of Tim and Martin.
ARCHIVIST
UK laws are sadly behind the times when it comes to polyamory, so technically “cousins-in-law” isn’t accurate, but it’s close enough.
VOICE
We’ve had a very interesting week here with our family’s visit, and we’ll talk more about that soon, but first: the headlines.
[NEWS STING]
VOICE (Reporting)
City Council, in their latest attempt to do something really cool to impress Station Management and take their relationship to a higher level, has announced that there will be a full week of celebration for Halloween this year instead of just a single evening.
“Make it big,” said the many-voiced, single-bodied entity, gesticulating wildly from in front of City Hall. “Make it impressive. Lots of bats and lots of blood, lots of ghosts and lots of spiders. Everything orange and black. Candy everywhere. Make it scary. Yeah. That’s what gets attention, right? That’s what gets attention.” Then they wiggled their fingers and made “wooo” noises until reporters got uncomfortable and ran away, at which point City Council shouted after them, “Yeah! Yeah! That’s scary!”
So Halloween events will begin on Sunday, or as soon as they have been planned. Stay tuned…and stay afraid.
VOICE
It’s a light news day—that’s really our only headline—so let’s go back to our family visit.
Tim, Jon, Martin, and Charlie arrived on Sunday evening. Carlos and I went to pick them up at the airport, where they flew in from Los Angeles, and brought them home. I didn’t really know what to expect, to be honest. Carlos never talks about his family, and the first time I heard about him even having a cousin was when he got the phone call from Jon. And then we went from zero to four, because his cousin had two partners and a son. But of course, Carlos has met my family, so I was only too happy to meet his.
What was your first impression of Night Vale, Tim?
ARCHIVIST
My first impression was that it was a place that watches. All the time. And I know all about ceaseless watching, because I also belong to the Ceaseless Watcher. So in some ways I felt like I was right at home, and in other ways I felt a little creeped out, honestly. Watching is my job. My next impression reinforced that feeling of home, though, because Carlos was there to meet us—meet Jon—with a hug, and they’re a lot alike, except Carlos is more optimistic than Jon is.
VOICE
A scientist is always optimistic.
ARCHIVIST
I suppose they have to be.
Of course, the next impression I got was that Leann Hart was going to kill my family, so that was less than favorable.
VOICE
Oh, it’s fine. Murder is illegal in Night Vale now, and even if it wasn’t, she only kills bloggers.
ARCHIVIST
I hear the line gets blurrier every day. Although maybe that’s just for hunters.
VOICE
And I have to ask—what was your first impression of us?
ARCHIVIST
Of you and Carlos? Well, I saw Carlos and immediately knew he couldn’t be anyone but Jon’s cousin. Their height comes from their dads’ sides of the family, but their coloring and facial features come straight from their mums’. Their mothers were sisters, you know. Then he opened his mouth, and I knew he had to be Jon’s cousin. Their voices are different, but their words are very similar.
You—I honestly can’t say what my first impression of you was, because it took a while for it to sink in. I honestly didn’t expect Carlos to immediately refer to all of us as “the rest of your family”. I knew Jon had told Carlos we were together, and that he was okay with it, but I didn’t expect him to just…casually call us kin.
I liked it, though.
And once I really got to take your measure, I realized we were cut from the same cloth. Which could have ended quite badly, so I’m glad it didn’t.
VOICE
So am I.
ARCHIVIST
What was your first impression of us?
VOICE
Jon was exactly what I would have expected Carlos’ cousin to be like, except not a scientist. Martin was somehow exactly the sort of person I would have expected Jon’s cousin to be with. Charlie was exactly what I pictured when Carlos said you had a son.
You were a little bit of a surprise. But not an unwelcome one. Like you said, we’re very similar.
ARCHIVIST
Some might say two of us together is altogether too much of a good thing.
VOICE
If we live our lives in anticipation of what people might say, we lose out on a lot of the fun of being surprised at what they do say.
ARCHIVIST
On the other hand, there’s a lot of fun in guessing, too.
VOICE
There is. And there is also fun in spending time with family.
After we got back to the house, and Charlie and his dads had a chance to rest, we had a nice family dinner. Carlos made pollo al chilindron, a recipe he inherited from his and Jon’s grandmother. I’m not sure if it was just how many people were at the table or the fact that it was delicious, but there were no leftovers at the end of the night. Of course we had strawberry custard for dessert. Afterwards, Charlie went to bed, and the rest of us stayed awake talking and catching up. Jon told us all about what the Magnus Institute does, and Carlos told them how he came to Night Vale.
On Monday, we took a tour around Night Vale, and then went back to the house for lunch. Charlie took a nap, and I left for the station and the afternoon show.
Tim, I’m sure our listeners are dying to know—what did you think of the show?
ARCHIVIST
Impressive. Informative. Very satisfying.
A hell of a lot better than the other show.
VOICE
… The other show?
ARCHIVIST
Don’t give me that look. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your show and the one out of Desert Bluffs run on the same frequency, more or less. I don’t think it normally gets all the way out here, but I sure as hell heard it loud and clear.
People like us, Cecil, we’re good at listening to two shows at the same time. At understanding them. So yeah, I was sort of listening to…what’s his name? Kevin?
VOICE
(Darkly) Oh, yes.
ARCHIVIST
Honestly, wasn’t worth the airtime. He was too…relentlessly cheerful. Like, honestly, does he really think he’s fooling anyone?
VOICE
It’s his religion.
[THE ARCHIVIST SCOFFS]
No, seriously. They all worship the (ugh) Smiling God over there in Desert Bluffs.
ARCHIVIST
I grew up Catholic. I know what it sounds like when someone is paying lip service to their religion.
VOICE
Pun not intended?
ARCHIVIST
But absolutely embraced.
VOICE
We’ll get back to our visit soon, but first, the Horoscopes.
[MUSICAL STING]
VOICE (Reporting)
Scorpio: “Non-flammable” is not a challenge. Keep that in mind when you get that latest package from Amazon.
Sagittarius: The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now. Unfortunately for you, “now” has been occupied by thinking about pigeons, so you are stuck choosing between the fifteenth best time—which is Thursday—or the worst time, which is never. Choose wisely. The trees are watching.
Capricorn: …Huh. It’s…the page is blank, except for a large, green drawing of an eye. And I think it’s…scowling at me. I think I should apologize.
Aquarius: Every person from now until the end of time who hears when your birthday is will send you that viral photograph of a garden on a rooftop with a green shade held up by wooden poles with a crudely scrawled sign on it that reads “THIS IS THE AWNING OF THE CAGE OF ASPARAGUS.” They will sing when they do so. It is inevitable and inescapable. Do not try to fight it.
Pisces: Your older sibling did not actually forget your birthday. They are just horrible at finding the time to go to the post office and mail you your present. Six months late is better than not at all. They are also very sorry about how big the hat turned out, but hey—at least it’s warm, right?
Aries: It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. You tried. Please don’t blame yourself. It isn’t—oh, wait, you weren’t supposed to get that one yet, our bad. Your horoscope for today is: Five years can seem like an eternity. Treasure every second of them.
Taurus: Three in the morning is more purple. This is more like a Tuesday.
Gemini: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Put that away until it’s time.
Cancer: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Seriously, that’s exactly what you need to charge your new electric vehicle, you’ll get way more power that way.
Leo: Oh, Leo. We know he’ll protect you. We miss you already…but you’re finally free.
Virgo: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries. Sorry to be the one to have to give you that news. You should probably check with the people who raised you to make sure it was a legitimate adoption.
And finally, Libra: The stars don’t know why the spiders like you so much, either. Why are you so special? But fine, fine, you can be their favorite, it’s…fine. It’s fine.
This has been Horoscopes.
VOICE
I have to say, Tim, I did enjoy getting to have that conversation with you on Tuesday, while the others were at the lab.
ARCHIVIST
Honestly, I did, too. I don’t get to really, seriously talk to people about this whole…thing I’ve got going on much.
See—and I don’t think this is going to be a big surprise to a lot of people in Night Vale—but a couple of years ago, we met Jon and Martin from another reality, or another timeline, or the future. It’s complicated. Time is often complicated, as are doubles.
VOICE
(Gravely) Uh-huh.
ARCHIVIST
But the other Jon, the future Jon—we call him Jon Prime—is kind of like us, but also different. Then again, I am also kind of like you, but different, and vice versa. We are all of us kind of like one another, but different, and we exist in the spaces caused by the differences. Still, it’s not as easy to talk to him about all of this as you would think. I don’t think he wants me to be like this.
VOICE
I don’t think my family wants me to be like this, either. I don’t really get to talk about it with…anyone. So it was nice to be able to be honest and open with someone about it for a change. You know me, listeners, I’m usually such a closed book.
ARCHIVIST
Oh, yeah. I’ve only been here a few days and that’s obvious.
VOICE
The trip to Pine Cliff was a good one, too. It’s so nice to see people from the wider community really…open up to people, wouldn’t you agree?
ARCHIVIST
I always say, everyone has a story if you just…know how to ask.
Not all stories are as satisfying as Miss McLean’s was, of course, but everyone’s got one. And some people are just…dying to tell them.
Of course, other people would really rather you didn’t ask them their stories, but really, those are the best ones.
VOICE
Oh, I agree. There’s something so fascinating about hearing secrets and stories that have been waiting to be told and finding out that what you’ve always believed isn’t really what happened. Or learning something you’ve waited your whole life to find out, or finally getting the answers to a question you’ve asked a million times and keep getting ignored over.
ARCHIVIST
Or finding the key that’s keeping that secret locked away, even from yourself.
Speaking of—thanks for showing me around the station before we came up here. The kittens in the restroom are adorable. I just wish Khoshekh and I could speak the same language.
VOICE
You know, I’ve always said that! Oh, if only we could talk to cats and have them talk back…think of all the interesting things we could discuss! And it would be so much easier to take them to the vet if you could make them understand that you’re helping them, not torturing them.
ARCHIVIST
I am damned sure those cats understand English. I just wish they spoke it, or I understood Cat.
VOICE
Do you think they have their own theories as to why they’re stuck floating at fixed points in the restroom at a radio station?
ARCHIVIST
Oh, probably. But I can also practically taste the…story…Khoshekh has to tell.
The kittens may have been born in the restroom, but he wasn’t. He knows something.
VOICE
Hmm…do you think you could, uh, understand him if you really…tried?
ARCHIVIST
Probably.
VOICE
(A bit excited) Oh! Do you think—
ARCHIVIST
But I won’t.
VOICE
Oh.
…Why not?
ARCHIVIST
Last time I, uh, took a statement from something without it using its mouth to give it, it barely survived the encounter. And it was something a lot older and stronger than a cat. Absent a good reason to believe that Khoshekh is a threat to anyone—or that whatever he has to say is vital to the safety of the world—I’ll let him keep his secrets and let him live.
For now.
…Uh…what’s that sound?
VOICE
Oh—uh, listeners, there is some horrific screeching coming from somewhere outside this booth. I think we need to check this out and make sure that everything is all right…Tim, would you like to say this part?
ARCHIVIST
Sure.
[GATHERING OF STATIC]
And now, listeners, while we go and investigate, why don’t you go…
[STATIC DIES ABRUPTLY]
…to the Weather.
[WEATHER: “A DEAL ABOUT PERFECTION” BY KADENCE]
VOICE
Sorry about that, listeners. Apparently Intern Jasper thought it would be a nice treat for the cats if they could have the opportunity to listen to the radio broadcast, too. They brought a portable radio into the restroom and were letting them listen while they cleaned the litter boxes and the water dish. Apparently Khoshekh reacted…badly…to the idea of Tim taking his statement.
To the family of Intern Jasper: They were a good intern, with a good heart, and they loved cats, which counts for a lot around here. And they forgave Khoshekh for everything with their last breath.
ARCHIVIST
Do you have two Intern Jaspers, by the way? That wasn’t the one I met earlier.
VOICE
Oh! No, we used to, but the other one goes by Percy now.
ARCHIVIST
It’s amazing how quickly identity can change, isn’t it?
One moment you’re an intern, the next you’re the host—or the In Memoriam.
VOICE
One moment you’re in publishing, the next you’re in research, the next you’re in the Archives.
ARCHIVIST
One moment you’re a bachelor, the next you’re a husband.
VOICE
One moment you’re a sacrificial lamb, the next you’re a hero.
ARCHIVIST
One moment you’re alone in the world…
VOICE
…The next you’re a family.
ARCHIVIST
After I lost my brother, I thought I would never have one of those again. I was sure that the rest of my life would be spent alone with my pain, my anger, and my vengeance, with maybe a few surface level friendships to fill the cold spaces where love used to be. But Jon and Martin found their way into my heart, and then we found Charlie—or he found us. It’s like those bumper stickers they sell at the RSPCA say: Who rescued who? And then the Primes and Sasha, and Melanie came along, and even Georgie and Basira—and then Charlie’s friends.
And then, because of Jon, I got to meet you, Cecil, and Carlos, and your family. And because of your family, especially because of Carlos telling me how to get there, I got to meet my father-in-law…well, essentially my father-in-law. The Keeper of the Light, the one who runs the lighthouse in the desert otherworld unseen by those who wander or seek to visit, but watching, always watching—he’s Martin’s father, and now Charlie’s grandfather, and we might never have got the chance to meet him properly if we hadn’t come here. Our family grows by leaps and bounds, and I will never, ever regret a world that let that happen. No matter what else the future brings.
And speaking of family—and the future—I think it’s almost time to watch your niece and her teammates obliterate the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters.
VOICE
I think you’re right.
And Tim—I will never regret a world that let me count you and yours as my family, either. Thank you.
ARCHIVIST
This has been a story about our family, said the men on the radio. And you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear a story about our family.
VOICE
Stay tuned next for bloodthirsty chanting, rubber on wood, nets rattling against metal rims, and an extremely judgmental buzzer.
And from my family to yours, good night, Night Vale…good night.