Daffy pulled the recorder Porky had brought him closer and flicked it on. His test run the day before had gone well, so unless the universe decided to hate him, it should work today. Then again, the universe usually decided it hated him, so it was up in the air.
“Tetht, tetht, tetht…one, two, three,” he said into the microphone. Satisfied that it was probably working, he nodded and took a deep breath. “Right.”
He cleared his throat, then continued. “My name ith Daffy Duck. You might have heard of me ath the thtar of numerouth Looney Tuneth shortth and featureth, but I aththure you, thith ith no mere idle jetht or prank being played upon you. I am the new Head Archivitht for the Magnuth Inthtitute in London, an organithation dedicated to academic rethearch into the ethoteric and the paranormal. The head of the Inthtitute, Mithter Bugth Bunny himthelf, hath appointed me to replathe the previouth Head Archivitht, one Emma Webthter, altho known ath Granny, who did not want to work for thuch a…hare-brained outfit.”
He hadn’t introduced himself on any of the regular recordings, but he had a feeling this one would be the one people would pull to listen to first, so he rolled on. “The Inthtitute hath a number of projectth and contractth, motht of which eventually come to dead endth. True paranormal eventth—and I emphathithe that thothe are rare, at leatht outthide of Toon Town and itth ilk—tend to rethitht eathy concluthionth. When an invethtigation hath gone ath far ath it can go, it cometh to the Archiveth.”
Wrinkling his beak slightly, he went on. “According to my aththithtant, Tweety Bird, who knowth the Inthtitute better than anyone elthe, the Inthtitute wath founded in 1818, tho there are almotht two hundred yearth’ worth of recordth down here. Motht of the Inthtitute preferth the ivory tower of pure academia to the complicated work of dealing with rethent thtatementth or exthperientheth. Thethe two thingth combined give uth a meticulouthly organithed library and an abtholute methth of an Archiveth. Thith wouldn’t normally be a problem, thinthe modern filing and archiving thythtemth are a wonder and it would only need a half dethent Archivitht to keep thingth in order. For whatever reathon, Granny wath apparently not that Archivitht.
“From where I am thitting, I can thee thouthadth of fileth. Motht are loothe paperth, thome crushed into unmarked or barely marked boxtheth. A few are labeled with dateth, or helpful thingth like 86-91 G/H/I. Not only that, but it lookth like motht of the actual invethtigationth didn’t make it down here either, leaving uth with jutht the thtatementth. And to make matterth worthe, they’re all handwritten or typed out, not a thingle digital copy anywhere. I know old people are afraid of technology, but thith ith ridiculouth.”
Daffy sighed and rubbed his forehead. “It’th going to take uth forever to thort out thith methth. Bugth wath kind enough to give me two aththithtantth who know what they’re doing and can help me get thingth rolling. Of courthe, he altho gave me Wile E. Coyote, Thuper Geniuth, tho I’ve got that to deal with ath well, but at leatht we aren’t ordering any of our thupplieth from the Acme Corporation. Marvin forgive me, but I don’t want thith plathe to blow up if I can help it.
“Our plan ith to digitithe the recordth ath much ath poththible and record audio verthionth. We were going to uthe a digital voithe recorder, but it lookth like we’re going to have to uthe a tape recorder, too, becauthe thome of the attemptth have been met with unpleathant thound effectth, like thomeone thwitched the audio trackth again. It theemth like if I uthe the old fashioned equipment, whatever ith thtopping me from thpeaking doethn’t interfere. I can’t promithe any order or reathon to the recordingth, but I’ll get them done. We will altho be doing thome thupplemental invethtigation wherever poththible.”
He took a deep breath. “All right. I think that’th enough exthcutheth for the thtate of thith plathe. We have to thtart thomewhere.” Picking up the statement, he said for the third time in as many days, “Thtatement of Nathan Wattth, regarding an encounter on Old Fithhmarket Clothe, Edinburgh. Original thtatement given April twenty-thecond, two thouthand and twelve. Thtatement beginth.”