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PORKY
Do you n-eh, n-eh, n-eh, n-need a lot? I’d like to g-go home.
DAFFY
Thorry. Thith thhouldn’t take long. I jutht…need the partth that weren’t on tape, you know?
PORKY
Y-y-yeah, sure, Just…eh-qu, eh-qu, eh-quarantine, you know? Not as, eh, f-fun as it sounds.
DAFFY
They thertainly had you in there an awfully long time, conthidering…
PORKY
I w—eh, w-wasn’t as bad as you?
DAFFY
I didn’t thay that.
PORKY
You didn’t have to.
DAFFY
Ith everything all right?
PORKY
I-I think so. I just a-asked something about, eh, i-itching and suddenly they eh-w, eh-w, eh-wanted a whole lot more t-tests run.
DAFFY
Well, itching ith one of the thignth of—
PORKY
I kn-eh, know that now. I just—l-look, Daffy, I-I’m not used to being the one getting hurt. I-I didn’t know what it felt like. Ha-how do you, eh, s-stand it?
I’m f-fine, though. E-except for the holes, and the bee-eh, bee-eh, bee-eh, bee-eh, blood, and the p—eh, pain, and the n-nightmares. Could’ve, eh, been worse, eh-r-right? Another, eh, f-few minutes and…
DAFFY
Yeah. Yeah, it wath…
Anyway. Thtatement of Porky Pig, archival aththithtant at the Magnuth Inthtitute, regarding the infethtation by the entity formerly known ath Jane Prentithth. Recorded direct from thubject, twenty-ninth of July, two thouthand and thixthteen. Jutht take it from when you got back from lunch.
PORKY
Well, I could t—eh, tell something was wrong when I g-got back. I-it was too quiet. I-I mean, it’s usually eh-qu, eh-qu, eh-quiet, but this was…I-I can’t explain the quiet, but i-it was wrong. I s—eh, s—eh, s—eh, spotted the tape recorder on the g-ground, a-and I thought I should eh, eh, pick it up in case someone was t-trapped in it. I-it’s happened before, you know. I-I was sure it was you playing a prank, actually. But then I-I heard Ralph yelling my n-name. I-I turned around, and—a-and there she was, Jane P—eh, Prentiss, filling my whole fi—eh, fi—eh, field of vision. I-I think she tried to say s—eh, something, but I c-couldn’t hear her through all the w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worms.
I d-don’t know what I was g-going to do. Sc-eh, scream, most likely, o-or panic, but that’s wh-eh, when Ralph t-tackled me from out of n-nowhere, l-like he was, eh, m-making off with a sheep. We l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l-landed on a bunch of the w-worms and killled them, but there were just s—eh, so many. I d-don’t think Prentiss e-expected it, though, and the w—eh, w—eh, worms were, eh, kind of slow. We were r—eh, r—eh, r—eh, running before they could get after us. I-I noticed the shelf in f—eh, front of us was about to c-collapse, so I t-told Ralph to get help and w—eh, w—eh, went the other w-way. He m-made it out of the door, and I-I ran into your office. I d-didn’t know that was where you m—eh, made the first hole.
There were a l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, a-about a million of them in there. One j—eh, jumped at me, so I tried to eh-g, eh-g, eh-get out of the w-way and l-landed on a box. I-I thought it was full of case files, but i-it turned out to be, eh, f-fire extinguishers. Those are d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, fucking hard, by the way. The w-eh, worms were still coming, so I g-grabbed one and, eh, used them. I-I mean full G-Ghostbusters. A-after that…i-it all gets a bit, eh, f-fuzzy. I, eh, I-I think the p-paramedics called it, eh, “respiratory acidosis.” I-it’s what happens when you’re b—eh, breathing CO2 r-rather than oxygen. I n—eh, never thought about Toons needing that, but…I-I guess we still, eh, b-breathe. Anyway, I, eh, r-remember finishing off the first, eh, f-few extinguishers killing the things, but they, eh, k-kept coming, so I g-grabbed a few more, then saw the, eh, the enormous hole in the w—eh, wall. I th—eh, thought Bugs might have l-left it for us, so I w-went in and found myself in, eh, in the tunnels.
There, eh, there weren’t so m-many worms down there as I, eh, th-thought. A-and they don’t, eh, they don’t make that n-eh, noise down there. They’re, eh, f-faster, too. I-it’s like there’s, eh, s-something in the Archives slowing them d-down. I-I actually don’t think they were r-eh, r-eh, r-eh, r-ready to attack yet. I think they were b—eh, b—eh, b—eh, b—eh, g-gathering strength before they were r-eh, ready, p-eh, p-eh, p-powerful enough to b-bury us alive. B-but you, eh, y-you found that, eh, h-hidden passage, and in, eh, i-in typical Daffy D-Duck fashion, you m—eh, m—eh, m—eh, moved things along faster than planned.
DAFFY
Exthcuthe me for living.
PORKY
N—eh, no, Daffy, I-I didn’t mean it like that. I-I actually think it would have been w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worse if you hadn’t. You s—eh, saved us.
DAFFY
Maybe.
Dethcribe the tunnelth for me.
PORKY
I-I mean, you were there.
DAFFY
Indulge me.
PORKY
I r—eh, r—eh, r—eh, r-remember they sl—eh, sloped up and down a-and around. I-I couldn’t keep track of where I was. I d-did see some more w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worms, though. Well, you s—eh, saw how fast they were down there. Sc—eh, scared me half to d-death. I-I only had the little keychain flashlight, a-and it was hard to keep a-an eye out because I was so l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, d-dizzy.
I-I wandered around for, I-I don’t know, maybe t—eh, ten minutes before I f—eh, found a wall that l-looked different, like…you kn-eh, kn-eh, know how in some cartoons the p-eh, p-eh, part of the scenery that’s going to d-drop away is colored d-e, d-eh, d-differently? I-It was that sensation. A-and I could hear you and Tweety on the, eh, the other side. So I-I channeled my inner Taz a-and broke through the wall, and, well, y-eh, you were there for the rest.
DAFFY
Mothtly, yeah. Exthept for the part where I ran off and left you.
PORKY
Yeah, but you eh-c, eh-c, eh-c, eh-c, eh-c-came back.
Eh…th-thank you, by the way. I eh-di-di, I eh-di-di—I didn’t expect you to come back for eh-m-me.
DAFFY
What can I thay? I may be a coward, but I’m a protective little coward.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Who’th there?
RALPH WOLF
Nobody but us, boss.
DAFFY
What are you two doing here?
TWEETY
Bugs said you wewe twying to get evewywone’s statements befowe we couwd weave. He tawt we shouwd come in now ow you’we going to be hewe aww night.
DAFFY
Yeah, sure, fine. Porky, did you notithe anything elthe down there?
PORKY
N—eh, no, n-not really.
DAFFY
Okay, thankth. You can thtay or leave, it’th up to you now.
Thtatement of Ralph Wolf, regarding the invathion by the being formerly known ath Jane Prentithth. Thatatement recorded direct from thubject twenty-ninth of July, two thouthand thixthteen. Thtart talking.
RALPH WOLF
Gee, Daffy, I’m not sure what you want me to say. I was with you until I ran out to save Porky. Then we got separated, and I ran into the main part of the Institute. I pulled the fire alarm—not that different from the punch clocks, really—because the worms were following me and I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. I went to Bugs. We talked. We were going to come save you, but the worms came, and we got separated. I wound up in Artifact Storage. You know it was bad if I was in Artifact Storage. I hate the place.
DAFFY
Didn’t thomeone tell me you uthed to work there?
RALPH WOLF
Only for about three months. I used to think it was the most dangerous place in the Institute.
DAFFY
Not anymore.
RALPH WOLF
No, not anymore. It was all right this time, though. The worms didn’t get in. I stayed in there until the fire suppressant system kicked in, then I ran out to get to a window. I saw the worms all over the main part of the Institute. They all just shriveled up and died. I don’t reckon I’ll ever forget that scream, though. I could hear Prentiss screaming even from there.
DAFFY
Well, it’th thankth to you, to be honetht. If you hadn’t met that “Woody” thing…
RALPH WOLF
Woody, yes. With the bones in his beak. We still don’t know much about him, do we?
DAFFY
No, not yet.
Thorry, getting dithtracted. Go on.
RALPH WOLF
There’s not much else to tell, really. Everything happened more or less like I expected it would. The worms died and we won. I went down to the Archives to check on you. The worms were dead there, too, but you and Porky were just lying there not moving. The trap door was open next to you, and there were more worms inside. I dragged you over to where there was more air and started pulling the worms out of you.
Are you okay?
DAFFY
[Audibly not okay] Fine. I’m fine. It’th jutht a lot to hear, you know?
RALPH WOLF
Oh. Sorry about that. Anyway, that was when Bugs showed up with the fire brigade and hazmat crew. They’re a lot more efficient than they are in cartoons, aren’t they? They talked to me for a long time, and I tried to explain everything as best I could. They checked me over, but I never got bitten. I’m fine. I ended up standing next to Bugs, and he kept looking at me strangely, but he didn’t say anything. It’s been a very strange day. So we just…stood there in silence, watching while they took you away. Then about an hour later we heard cries from the trap door, and then Tweety came out and…well, he can tell you the rest.
DAFFY
Right…yeah. What about the tape? You had the one with Mithter Ramao’th thtatement on it, and Bugth thaid you recorded thome of what wath going on, but when you gave me the recorder back, it wath empty.
RALPH WOLF
I did, but you’ve got to understand, there was a lot going on. I dropped it a few times, and the eject button must have got pressed. Is it important?
DAFFY
It ith to me.
RALPH WOLF
Well, I’m sure someone will find it at some point.
DAFFY
Sure.
Are you all right? You don’t quite theem like yourthelf.
RALPH WOLF
Who else would I be?
I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long day, you know.
DAFFY
Tell me about it.
All right. Tweety, you’re up.
TWEETY
I mean, I awweady towd the powice.
DAFFY
Well, now you can tell me. I need to hear it. For the record.
TWEETY
Awe you aww wight?
DAFFY
[Audibly even less all right] I’m fine. Jutht the painkillerth are thtarting to wear off ith all. Let’th get thith over with. Thtatement of Tweety Bird, archival aththithtant, et thetera, et thetera. Go.
TWEETY
I guess you just want what happened aftew we got sepawated in the tunnews. I am sowwy about dat. I didn’t mean to weave you and Powky awone wike that, but..weww, the wowms might not be that big, but when you’we as smaww as I am, they’we pwetty big, and I was afwaid I wouwd get weawwy badwy huwt.
I twied shouting fow you, but you didn’t answew. The wawws awmost kiww any sound down thewe, and thewe wasn’t any echo. It was weiwd, not having dat. I can see a widdwe in the dawk, but not a wot, so I was just wandewing awound wooking fow you, ow Powky, ow the way out. It’s a maze down dewe, Daffy. Maybe miwes and miwes of tunnews. I tawt it might be wike Powky said, the wemains of the owd Miwwbank Pwison. I even found some staiws at one point, but I didn’t want to go down dewe. I hadn’t seen any wowms fow a few minutes, and that was stawting to wowwy me, wike I’d gone too faw away fwom the Institute if I didn’t find them. Thewe was a wot of twash, though. Dust, and dead wats, and wine bottwes. I even found an empty wappew fow Monstew Munch—
DAFFY
Tweety…
TWEETY
Sowwy, Daffy. Weww, anyway, I was twying to go back, not dat I knew whewe “back” was exactwy, but I wanted to find you and Powky—and Wawph if I couwd. Den I heawd the scweam. I don’t even know how to descwibe heawing it, but I tawt…weww, I hoped…
Anyway, I stawted finding dead wowms, so I knew Jane Pwentiss must be dead. I wanted to get out of dewe, but it fewt mowe and mowe wike I was twapped. Evewy tuwn just wed me to anovew empty hawwway. When I finawwy found a doow, I tawt it might actuawwy go out, but instead…it was just a woom. Squawe. Dewe was dust on evewyting. Cawdboawd boxes piwed aww awound it. Dey wewe fuww of tapes. And on a chaiw…
DAFFY
Ith that where you found her?
TWEETY
Yes. I tawt I taw Dwanny. I did. I did taw Dwanny.
No wowms. No cobwebs. Just…an owd cowpse. She was swumped fowwawd, but I couwd tee hew mouf hanging open. So I wan, and I found the twap doow not wong aftew.
DAFFY
You’re thure it wath a corpthe?
TWEETY
I taw enough dead bodies when I was doing Sywvestew and Tweety Mystewies. I taw fake ones and weaw ones the animatows used fow wefewence. I know it was a cowpse, and I know it was Dwanny’s. She was dead.
DAFFY
It’th not that…I’m not doubting your exthpertithe. But I thought there wath no way to kill a Toon. Exthept…
PORKY
The D-di-eh-di-di, D-di-eh-di-di, D-di-eh-di-di—eh, t-turpentine, acetone, benzene.
DAFFY
Ith that what killed her?
TWEETY
I don’t tink so. It was so dawk, and I onwy saw the body fow a few seconds. The powice wewe vewy cweaw it couwd be awmost—
DAFFY
Tweety! How did she die?!
TWEETY
She was shot. Twee times that I saw. Twee shots to the chest.
DAFFY
…Right. Right.
Thankth, Tweety.
TWEETY
Yeah, okay, suwe.
PORKY
A-are you—
DAFFY
Yeth. I’m fine. Go home, all of you. Get thome retht. We’ll…we’ll talk tomorrow.
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