DAFFY
Yeth. It wath the latht thing I heard before I paththed out. Thouthandth of thingth thcreaming without mouthth…
There’th no amount of combining thound effectth that would give you the thame feeling.
BUGS
Yeah. Awful sound.
Anyway, I called the fire department, and a contact at the ECDC the notes from the last head said was involved in the original Jane Prentiss investigation. Once I was sure most of da gas would be gone, I went down to the Archives to see what was up. Ralph was already there, but you and Porky looked really bad. Seemed like a few dozen woims or so had been goin’ to town on you when the carbon dioxide killed them. You looked like lace doi—
DAFFY
All right, all right, I remember that part. At leatht onthe the ambulanthe arrived. Quarantine, bandaging, et thetera. When did Tweety get back?
BUGS
Eh…maybe an hour after you and Porky got taken away? They were prepping Prentiss’ corpse for disposin’ when Tweety boist outta that trap door you found. No idea how he even got it open, but he was screaming that he’d found a body. So we called the cops.
DAFFY
Tell me what happened to Granny.
BUGS
How many times do we hafta go over this, Daff?
DAFFY
We never got it on tape.
BUGS
What is with you and these tapes?
DAFFY
We’re Toonth. How can we prove we exthitht without thome thort of record?
Let’th hear it. For the record.
BUGS
…Fine.
On the fifteenth of March last year, I surprised the previous Head of the Institute, Elias Bouchard, just as he was getting ready to leave his office for the day. He collapsed from a heart attack, and of course emergency services came out, along with several members of the Board of Trustees. They said that since I was responsible for the death of the previous Institute Head, I had to take his place, at least until they found a better replacement if I couldn’t do the job. They told me all the department heads would be notified and that I would need to hold a meeting with dem the next day to get an idear of what goes on around here. When we had the meeting the next day, the only one not there was Granny, the Head Archivist. Someone said she’d probably quit rather than work for such a—
DAFFY
Hare-brained inthtituthion, I know. That joke’th been done to death.
BUGS
Well. I went down to the Archives to see if she was dere, or if she’d left a note or anyt’ing. She wasn’t there, but there was a lot of blood, all over her desk. Toons don’t normally bleed, but I was still worried something mighta happened to her, so I called emergency services back. You can imagine they were real thrilled about dat. Anyway, there was a huge search, but no trace of her found, alive or dead. She didn’t have any assistants, so there were no witnesses, and nobody saw or heard nothin’. The police tested the blood and said it was a match for hers—and no, I don’t know why they had any Toon blood, let alone hois. They said it was more than a gallon, way more than anyone can lose and still live, so I assumed she was dead and left the investigation to the cops, for all the good it did. And I appointed a replacement Archivist.
Tweety finding her body in the tunnels is as much a mystery to me as it is to you. But, you know, Granny always loved a good mystery.
DAFFY
Right. Okay. Thankth, Bugth.
Thtatement endth.
[SIGH]
Can you thend in Porky?
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
PORKY
Do you n-eh, n-eh, n-eh, n-need a lot? I’d like to g-go home.
DAFFY
Thorry. Thith thhouldn’t take long. I jutht…need the partth that weren’t on tape, you know?
PORKY
Y-y-yeah, sure, Just…eh-qu, eh-qu, eh-quarantine, you know? Not as, eh, f-fun as it sounds.
DAFFY
They thertainly had you in there an awfully long time, conthidering…
PORKY
I w—eh, w-wasn’t as bad as you?
DAFFY
I didn’t thay that.
PORKY
You didn’t have to.
DAFFY
Ith everything all right?
PORKY
I-I think so. I just a-asked something about, eh, i-itching and suddenly they eh-w, eh-w, eh-wanted a whole lot more t-tests run.
DAFFY
Well, itching ith one of the thignth of—
PORKY
I kn-eh, know that now. I just—l-look, Daffy, I-I’m not used to being the one getting hurt. I-I didn’t know what it felt like. Ha-how do you, eh, s-stand it?
I’m f-fine, though. E-except for the holes, and the bee-eh, bee-eh, bee-eh, bee-eh, blood, and the p—eh, pain, and the n-nightmares. Could’ve, eh, been worse, eh-r-right? Another, eh, f-few minutes and…
DAFFY
Yeah. Yeah, it wath…
Anyway. Thtatement of Porky Pig, archival aththithtant at the Magnuth Inthtitute, regarding the infethtation by the entity formerly known ath Jane Prentithth. Recorded direct from thubject, twenty-ninth of July, two thouthand and thixthteen. Jutht take it from when you got back from lunch.
PORKY
Well, I could t—eh, tell something was wrong when I g-got back. I-it was too quiet. I-I mean, it’s usually eh-qu, eh-qu, eh-quiet, but this was…I-I can’t explain the quiet, but i-it was wrong. I s—eh, s—eh, s—eh, spotted the tape recorder on the g-ground, a-and I thought I should eh, eh, pick it up in case someone was t-trapped in it. I-it’s happened before, you know. I-I was sure it was you playing a prank, actually. But then I-I heard Ralph yelling my n-name. I-I turned around, and—a-and there she was, Jane P—eh, Prentiss, filling my whole fi—eh, fi—eh, field of vision. I-I think she tried to say s—eh, something, but I c-couldn’t hear her through all the w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worms.
I d-don’t know what I was g-going to do. Sc-eh, scream, most likely, o-or panic, but that’s wh-eh, when Ralph t-tackled me from out of n-nowhere, l-like he was, eh, m-making off with a sheep. We l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l-landed on a bunch of the w-worms and killled them, but there were just s—eh, so many. I d-don’t think Prentiss e-expected it, though, and the w—eh, w—eh, worms were, eh, kind of slow. We were r—eh, r—eh, r—eh, running before they could get after us. I-I noticed the shelf in f—eh, front of us was about to c-collapse, so I t-told Ralph to get help and w—eh, w—eh, went the other w-way. He m-made it out of the door, and I-I ran into your office. I d-didn’t know that was where you m—eh, made the first hole.
There were a l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, a-about a million of them in there. One j—eh, jumped at me, so I tried to eh-g, eh-g, eh-get out of the w-way and l-landed on a box. I-I thought it was full of case files, but i-it turned out to be, eh, f-fire extinguishers. Those are d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, fucking hard, by the way. The w-eh, worms were still coming, so I g-grabbed one and, eh, used them. I-I mean full G-Ghostbusters. A-after that…i-it all gets a bit, eh, f-fuzzy. I, eh, I-I think the p-paramedics called it, eh, “respiratory acidosis.” I-it’s what happens when you’re b—eh, breathing CO2 r-rather than oxygen. I n—eh, never thought about Toons needing that, but…I-I guess we still, eh, b-breathe. Anyway, I, eh, r-remember finishing off the first, eh, f-few extinguishers killing the things, but they, eh, k-kept coming, so I g-grabbed a few more, then saw the, eh, the enormous hole in the w—eh, wall. I th—eh, thought Bugs might have l-left it for us, so I w-went in and found myself in, eh, in the tunnels.
There, eh, there weren’t so m-many worms down there as I, eh, th-thought. A-and they don’t, eh, they don’t make that n-eh, noise down there. They’re, eh, f-faster, too. I-it’s like there’s, eh, s-something in the Archives slowing them d-down. I-I actually don’t think they were r-eh, r-eh, r-eh, r-ready to attack yet. I think they were b—eh, b—eh, b—eh, b—eh, g-gathering strength before they were r-eh, ready, p-eh, p-eh, p-powerful enough to b-bury us alive. B-but you, eh, y-you found that, eh, h-hidden passage, and in, eh, i-in typical Daffy D-Duck fashion, you m—eh, m—eh, m—eh, moved things along faster than planned.
DAFFY
Exthcuthe me for living.
PORKY
N—eh, no, Daffy, I-I didn’t mean it like that. I-I actually think it would have been w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worse if you hadn’t. You s—eh, saved us.
DAFFY
Maybe.
Dethcribe the tunnelth for me.
PORKY
I-I mean, you were there.
DAFFY
Indulge me.
PORKY
I r—eh, r—eh, r—eh, r-remember they sl—eh, sloped up and down a-and around. I-I couldn’t keep track of where I was. I d-did see some more w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, worms, though. Well, you s—eh, saw how fast they were down there. Sc—eh, scared me half to d-death. I-I only had the little keychain flashlight, a-and it was hard to keep a-an eye out because I was so l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, d-dizzy.
I-I wandered around for, I-I don’t know, maybe t—eh, ten minutes before I f—eh, found a wall that l-looked different, like…you kn-eh, kn-eh, know how in some cartoons the p-eh, p-eh, part of the scenery that’s going to d-drop away is colored d-e, d-eh, d-differently? I-It was that sensation. A-and I could hear you and Tweety on the, eh, the other side. So I-I channeled my inner Taz a-and broke through the wall, and, well, y-eh, you were there for the rest.
DAFFY
Mothtly, yeah. Exthept for the part where I ran off and left you.
PORKY
Yeah, but you eh-c, eh-c, eh-c, eh-c, eh-c-came back.
Eh…th-thank you, by the way. I eh-di-di, I eh-di-di—I didn’t expect you to come back for eh-m-me.
DAFFY
What can I thay? I may be a coward, but I’m a protective little coward.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Who’th there?
RALPH WOLF
Nobody but us, boss.
DAFFY
What are you two doing here?
TWEETY
Bugs said you wewe twying to get evewywone’s statements befowe we couwd weave. He tawt we shouwd come in now ow you’we going to be hewe aww night.
DAFFY
Yeah, thure, fine. Porky, did you notithe anything elthe down there?
PORKY
N—eh, no, n-not really.
DAFFY
Okay, thankth. You can thtay or leave, it’th up to you now.
Thtatement of Ralph Wolf, regarding the invathion by the being formerly known ath Jane Prentithth. Thatatement recorded direct from thubject twenty-ninth of July, two thouthand thixthteen. Thtart talking.
RALPH WOLF
Gee, Daffy, I’m not sure what you want me to say. I was with you until I ran out to save Porky. Then we got separated, and I ran into the main part of the Institute. I pulled the fire alarm—not that different from the punch clocks, really—because the worms were following me and I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. I went to Bugs. We talked. We were going to come save you, but the worms came, and we got separated. I wound up in Artifact Storage. You know it was bad if I was in Artifact Storage. I hate the place.
DAFFY
Didn’t thomeone tell me you uthed to work there?
RALPH WOLF
Only for about three months. I used to think it was the most dangerous place in the Institute.
DAFFY
Not anymore.
RALPH WOLF
No, not anymore. It was all right this time, though. The worms didn’t get in. I stayed in there until the fire suppressant system kicked in, then I ran out to get to a window. I saw the worms all over the main part of the Institute. They all just shriveled up and died. I don’t reckon I’ll ever forget that scream, though. I could hear Prentiss screaming even from there.
DAFFY
Well, it’th thankth to you, to be honetht. If you hadn’t met that “Woody” thing…
RALPH WOLF
Woody, yes. With the bones in his beak. We still don’t know much about him, do we?
DAFFY
No , not yet.
Thorry, getting dithtracted. Go on.
RALPH WOLF
There’s not much else to tell, really. Everything happened more or less like I expected it would. The worms died and we won. I went down to the Archives to check on you. The worms were dead there, too, but you and Porky were just lying there not moving. The trap door was open next to you, and there were more worms inside. I dragged you over to where there was more air and started pulling the worms out of you.
Are you okay?
DAFFY
[Audibly not okay] Fine. I’m fine. It’th jutht a lot to hear, you know?
RALPH WOLF
Oh. Sorry about that. Anyway, that was when Bugs showed up with the fire brigade and hazmat crew. They’re a lot more efficient than they are in cartoons, aren’t they? They talked to me for a long time, and I tried to explain everything as best I could. They checked me over, but I never got bitten. I’m fine. I ended up standing next to Bugs, and he kept looking at me strangely, but he didn’t say anything. It’s been a very strange day. So we just…stood there in silence, watching while they took you away. Then about an hour later we heard cries from the trap door, and then Tweety came out and…well, he can tell you the rest.
DAFFY
Right…yeah. What about the tape? You had the one with Mithter Ramao’th thtatement on it, and Bugth thaid you recorded thome of what wath going on, but when you gave me the recorder back, it wath empty.
RALPH WOLF
I did, but you’ve got to understand, there was a lot going on. I dropped it a few times, and the eject button must have got pressed. Is it important?
DAFFY
It ith to me.
RALPH WOLF
Well, I’m sure someone will find it at some point.
DAFFY
Thure.
Are you all right? You don’t quite theem like yourthelf.
RALPH WOLF
Who else would I be?
I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long day, you know.
DAFFY
Tell me about it.
All right. Tweety, you’re up.
TWEETY
I mean, I awweady towd the powice.
DAFFY
Well, now you can tell me. I need to hear it. For the record.
TWEETY
Awe you aww wight?
DAFFY
[Audibly even less all right] I’m fine. Jutht the painkillerth are thtarting to wear off ith all. Let’th get thith over with. Thtatement of Tweety Bird, archival aththithtant, et thetera, et thetera. Go.
TWEETY
I guess you just want what happened aftew we got sepawated in the tunnews. I am sowwy about dat. I didn’t mean to weave you and Powky awone wike that, but..weww, the wowms might not be that big, but when you’we as smaww as I am, they’we pwetty big, and I was afwaid I wouwd get weawwy badwy huwt.
I twied shouting, but you didn’t answew. The wawws awmost kiww any sound down thewe, and thewe wasn’t any echo. It was weiwd, not having dat. I can see a widdle in the dawk, but not a wot, so I was just wandewing awound wooking fow you, ow Powky, ow the way out. It’s a maze down dewe, Daffy. Maybe miwes and miwes of tunnews. I tawt it might be wike Powky said, the wemains of the owd Miwwbank Pwison. I even found some staiws at one point, but I didn’t want to go down dewe. I hadn’t seen any wowms fow a few minutes, and that was stawting to wowwy me, wike I’d gone too faw away fwom the Institute if I didn’t find them. Thewe was a wot of twash, though. Dust, and dead wats, and wine bottwes. I even found an empty wappew fow Monstew Munch—
DAFFY
Tweety…
TWEETY
Sowwy, Daffy. Weww, anyway, I was twying to go back, not dat I knew whewe “back” was exactwy, but I wanted to find you and Powky—and Wawph if I couwd. Den I heawd the scweam. I don’t even know how to descwibe heawing it, but I tawt…weww, I hoped…
Anyway, I stawted finding dead wowms, so I knew Jane Pwentiss must be dead. I wanted to get out of dewe, but it fewt mowe and mowe wike I was twapped. Evewy tuwn just wed me to anovew empty hawwway. When I finawwy found a doow, I tawt it might actuawwy go out, but instead…it was just a woom. Squawe. Thewe was dust on evewwyting. Cawdboawd boxes piwed aww awound it. They wewe fuww of tapes. And on a chaiw…
DAFFY
Ith that where you found her?
TWEETY
Yes. I tawt I taw Dwanny. I did. I did taw Dwanny.
No wowms. No cobwebs. Just…an owd cowpse. She was swumped fowwawd, but I couwd see hew mouf hanging open. So I wan, and I found the twap doow not wong aftew.
DAFFY
You’re thure it wath a corpthe?
TWEETY
I taw enough dead bodies when I was doing Sywvestew and Tweety Mystewies. I taw fake ones and weaw ones the animatows used fow wefewence. I know it was a cowpse, and I know it was Dwanny’s. She was dead.
DAFFY
It’th not that…I’m not doubting your exthpertithe. But I thought there wath no way to kill a Toon. Exthept…
PORKY
The D-di-eh-di-di, D-di-eh-di-di, D-di-eh-di-di—eh, t-turpentine, acetone, benzene.
DAFFY
Ith that what killed her?
TWEETY
I don’t tink so. It was so dawk, and I onwy saw the body fow a few seconds. The powice wewe vewy cweaw it couwd be awmost—
DAFFY
Tweety! How did she die?!
TWEETY
She was shot. Twee times that I saw. Twee shots to the chest.
DAFFY
…Right. Right.
Thankth, Tweety.
TWEETY
Yeah, okay, suwe.
PORKY
A-are you—
DAFFY
Yeth. I’m fine. Go home, all of you. Get thome retht. We’ll…we’ll talk tomorrow.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
DAFFY
Emma “Granny” Webthter, the latht Archivitht at the Magnuth Inthtitute, my predetheththor, wath murdered. No infethtation by wormth, no thrange, ghothtly apparithionth to warp her mind, no caveth to entomb her. She wath killed, in the Archiveth, by thomeone who uthed a gun, and that thcareth me more than any thpecter or twithted creature, for two reathonth.
Firtht of all, thomeone here ith a killer. And thecond of all, that thomeone hath figured out a way to kill a Toon…permanently. There’th not going to be a thecond take of thith, no cothmic redo, no thnip of the editor’th thiththorth to bring her back. Granny ith dead and gone and will probably be buried in that themetery Jeththica mentioned in Trumptonthhire.
…I thhould probably find her and apologithe. Maybe. If it’th thafe.
The polithe will invethtigate thoroughly, of courthe, but I doubt they’re going to find anything utheful. Mothtly becauthe they never did before, but altho becauthe I don’t think they apprethiate the gravity of the thituation either. They don’t underthtand that, now, Toonth can die.
There’th thomething in thethe fileth, thethe thtatementth. Thome thort of deep, hidden mythtery. I’m thure of it now. I think Granny found it, and that’th why they killed her.
Thome of my tapeth are miththing. Maybe it wath Prentithth, but she theemed more interethted in the written fileth, and the other tapeth are fine. I know everyone thinkth I don’t know where anything ith in thith inthane athylum, but I know exthactly where everything thhould be, and there are two tapeth miththing. No thign of any thcrapth of tape, but bethideth the one Ralph lotht earlier, the tapeth for catheth thero thero five one theven thero one and thero one thixth thero two thero four are gone.
I don’t know why thothe two thpethifically, but I’m going to find out. And I can’t trutht anyone elthe on thith one. Or anything elthe, for that matter. I’m going to get to the bottom of thith, and I’m not going to thtop.
They’ll have to kill me firtht.
[CLICK]