[CLICK]
[WHOOSHING OF WIND, VAGUE GURGLING OF WATER, FAINT MOANS IN THE DISTANCE]
ARCHIVIST
What…where am I?
HADES
Hey, welcome to hell!
[THE ARCHIVIST SCREAMS]
Whoa, hey, chill out, man. Okay, okay, it’s not actually hell, but it sounded cooler.
ARCHIVIST
Who…Hadeth?
HADES
That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
ARCHIVIST
The—the Lord of the Dead?
HADES
Yeah, that was improv. I was kinda proud of that one.
ARCHIVIST
Tho I’m…dead.
HADES
Well. I mean. You could be, if you wanted to be. I certainly wouldn’t complain. But you’re not yet.
ARCHIVIST
I—what are you talking about?
HADES
Pretty simple, really. You blew yourself up. That normally kills people. Except you’re not exactly people, so you’re not exactly dead.
ARCHIVIST
Becauthe I’m a Toon?
HADES
Eh…you’re not really that anymore, either.
ARCHIVIST
Ith there anyone out there who’th going to give me a thtraight anthwer to anything?!
HADES
Look at me. I was an animated villain from the nineties. You really think they made me able to do anything straight?
ARCHIVIST
(Dry and bitter) Ho, ho. Very funny. Ha, ha. It ith to laugh.
HADES
Haven’t you used that one before?
ARCHIVIST
Were you watching me?
HADES
Nah, not really my thing. Watching’s your job, isn’t it? Me, I just kinda…keep track of important things.
ARCHIVIST
Like what?
HADES
Mostly, like people who might die. Or when the world might end.
So you can probably guess that I’ve had a lot of interest in you, Daffy. Mind if I call you Daffy?
Pull up a seat, take a load off. Cigar?
ARCHIVIST
…
Oh, what the heck. It’th not like there’th anyone elthe to get killed around here.
HADES
That’s the spirit.
[WHOOSH OF FLAMES]
[SILENCE, EXCEPT FOR HADES AND THE ARCHIVIST SMOKING, PUNCTUATED BY MOANS IN THE DISTANCE]
ARCHIVIST
Are thothe…actual people?
HADES
(Casually) Nah, it’s just for the atmosphere.
ARCHIVIST
Like a recording?
HADES
More…eh, how do I put this? Look. You expect this, right? You think "Hades”, you think stone caverns and bones, you think glowy rivers, you think souls moaning in torment or despair. Which, honestly? Totally rude of Eisner. Well, Musker and Clemens, really, but Eisner greenlit it…anyway, point is, this isn’t your Christian nonsense. It’s not all torture and despair. The Underworld’s the Underworld. There’s no heaven and hell. You do good, you might go to Elysium. You do bad, you go to Tartarus. Just kinda…existed? Probably in the Fields of Asphodel. And then there’s specialized stuff for the real bad actors, or the ones that can’t make up their minds or whatever, but…this is the kind of place you get what you bring with you, you know?
ARCHIVIST
I…I think I do.
Tho Granny…where’th she?
HADES
Don’t know.
ARCHIVIST
You’re thaying she’th not here?
HADES
No, I’m saying I don’t know where she is. I don’t know every single soul in my domain, you know. That’s a lotta souls to keep track of.
I could ask at the gate. But, you know, we’re not actually in the Underworld per se, so you’d have to wait a while, and you’ve kind of already been waiting for a bit. Still, if you really want—
ARCHIVIST
NO!!!
(More quietly) No—no, that’th…that’th okay. Um…what do you mean, “I’ve been waiting for a bit”?
HADES
I mean, you know, not (laughs sourly) not eighteen years or anything. But you’ve passed through my field of vision a few thousand times at least, walking your little…circuit of fear, I guess. Figured it was maybe time to show you a branch line.
ARCHIVIST
(As if to himself) The dreamth…
HADES
Memories. Ones being used to torture people.
Which, I gotta say? Great job with that. Most of the memories my souls are tortured with are things they did to themselves. Never thought of using things that were done to them against them.
ARCHIVIST
I—I don’t—
HADES
Nah, hey, I’m just kidding. It’s not the memories that feed me.
ARCHIVIST
You’re—y-you’re an Avatar. Like Rocky, and Hexthuth, and…(gulps audibly) me.
HADES
Yep. Now you get why I called myself “Lord of the Dead” in that movie. “Avatar of the End” just doesn’t sound as…zingy.
ARCHIVIST
Right. Right. And of courthe, the motht important thing ith to be…zingy.
HADES
Well, for a Toon, yeah. Our whole purpose in life is to make people laugh.
ARCHIVIST
I thought you thaid we weren’t exthactly alive.
HADES
Ha! They weren’t kidding about you. You’re sharp. And you’ve got a great sense of humor. I like that in a guy.
Yeah, we’re not technically alive, and there’s no one to laugh at us now. When you walk into an office to get a role, usually, that’s a whole different story, but here? We can just chill, relax, take a load off. Be cool, be serious. Nobody to perform for, yanno?
ARCHIVIST
I guethth not.
[SOUND OF SMOKE BEING EXHALED]
HADES
Say, that’s pretty good. You know, considering I don’t think you smoke.
ARCHIVIST
I’ve done it thome. Anyway, any Warner Brotherth Toon worth hith thalt can blow a thmoke ring.
[SOUND OF SMOKE BEING EXHALED]
Showoff.
[HADES AND THE ARCHIVIST BOTH CHUCKLE]
[SEVERAL BEATS OF SILENCE]
HADES
So…?
ARCHIVIST
A needle pulling thread.
HADES
Oh, gods, I’ve heard that one so many times. There’s always a few people whose idea of eternal torment is being forced to listen to showtunes for all eternity…and a few people whose idea of paradise is getting to sing ‘em. Especially people who, uh, weren’t sopranos in life, you get what I’m saying?
ARCHIVIST
Have you theen thome of the outfitth Bugth Bunny wearth? Of courthe I get what you’re thaying.
HADES
Eh, fair enough.
[THE ARCHIVIST SIGHS]
ARCHIVIST
All right. I’ll bite.
What happened? Did I thtop the Unknowing? Or ith thith…the only thane part of the univerthe left?
HADES
Oh, nah, don’t worry about that. The Theater didn’t win. You stopped that in its tracks. All those souls trapped in the, uh, whaddyacallit—“corpse de ballet”? They got set free, wound up in my domain. Lemme tell ya, processing all those souls at once was a nightmare. We had to do ‘em in batches.
ARCHIVIST
And…my people? Porky? Tweety? Bathira? Pleathe tell me Bathira thtayed out of it.
HADES
Did I mention the tons of bureaucracy I had to deal with after all those souls turned up? I didn’t pay attention to what happened to anyone. Hell, I wouldn’t have noticed you if you hadn’t sleepwalked past me all those times. All I can tell you is nobody by any of those names passed through my gates.
ARCHIVIST
(As if to himself) Good. That’th good.
What happenth now?
HADES
Now? Well, you get to have a choice.
ARCHIVIST
A choithe?
HADES
You can actually come into my domain. Get judged. Wind up in…wherever you’re going to end up. At this point you’re probably Asphodel bound, honestly, but at least it’s not Tartarus.
Or…you can go back. Try again. Keep going.
ARCHIVIST
I thuppothe the world ith thafe enough now that we’ve thtopped the Unknowing.
HADES
What’s all this “we” stuff? You did that.
And yeah, I guess it’s safe enough. From the Stranger, anyway. Oh, and the Spiral. Wait, and I heard something about the Flesh, too, but—
ARCHIVIST
Wait, what?
HADES
You hadn’t heard about that one? Granny stopped it, I think like five years ago. Bunch of dead from that one, too. Not many that had enough left to wind up in my domain, or maybe they just went somewhere else.
ARCHIVIST
What?!
HADES
I mean, there might be other afterlives. I don’t know.
ARCHIVIST
Wait a minute, wait a minute—are you thaying…are you thaying the Unknowing ithn’t the only ritual to—
(Horrified) No. No, wait, Woody mentioned—he thaid thomething about the Great Twithting—
HADES
Did you really think I Do Not Know You was the only one that wanted to remake the world in its image?
ARCHIVIST
I didn’t know, I didn’t—
Wait…you thaid thomething about the Flesh?
HADES
Oh, you really aren’t prepared for this, are you? I thought you’d at least know a few things about what was going on when you walked into it.
All right, look, let’s slow down and start back over, okay? What do you know?
ARCHIVIST
I—I mean—I—
[FAINT SOUND OF STATIC]
I know there are beingth of thupernatural darknethth and fear. I know they can kill with terror, but I altho know they can…promithe thingth that theem beneficial at firtht, but only hurt in the long run. What theemth like a benevolent forthe ith often jutht a cover for an even more malithiouth, terrifying end.
HADES
Hey, that’s pretty good.
ARCHIVIST
I jutht…I don’t know all of them, I guethth. I thought I did, but…
Jutht how many of them are there, anyway?
HADES
Fourteen.
ARCHIVIST
Fourteen?!
HADES
Yep. Guy named Robert Smirke came up with the classification. I had a good long chat with him when he first came down. Nice guy. Brilliant. Kinda hates himself for what he did.
So which ones do you know about?
ARCHIVIST
(Audibly shaken) There’th…there’th the Thtranger. And the Thpiral—the Dithtortion, Maxth, he’th part of that. I’m…I work for the Eye. Hexthuth mentioned thomething called the…Detholation? Rocky didn’t thay what he wath part of, but he mentioned thomething called…Terminuth?
HADES
Yeah, that one’s me, that’s the End.
Rocky. Balboa, Picture Show, or the little guy that’s half hat?
ARCHIVIST
Thquirrel.
HADES
Oh, him. Yeah, he’s the Vast. That’s, like, open spaces, heights, falling, that kind of thing.
It’s the opposite of the Buried, which is, I think, that thing you keep calling the “cramped coffin”?
ARCHIVIST
That’th what Woody called it, before he turned into Maxth.
Hmm. Thtranger, Thpiral, Eye, Detholation, End, Vatht, Buried…that’th theven. That’th half. What are the retht of them?
HADES
Aw, c’mon. You’re supposed to be smart, right? You work it out.
[THE ARCHIVIST SIGHS]
ARCHIVIST
Well…you mentioned the Flesh. I’m gueththing that’th all the timeth they’ve been about…meat.
HADES
Yeah, probably.
ARCHIVIST
And—wait. Rocky thaid thomething about a book he found that wath part of the Hunt. That’th another one?
HADES
You got it. Bet you know all about that one, huh?
ARCHIVIST
Unfortunately. It thtill feelth like duck theathon motht dayth.
Let’th thee, let’th thee…um, there wath Jane Prentithth. She wath…thomething. Filth? Ditheathe? Bugth? (Realizing) Not Bugth Bunny, bugth like—uh, what’th hith name—Oogie Boogie?
HADES
Okay, so actually, believe it or not, no. Remember his line from that song? ‘I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright’?
Oogie Boogie was the Dark. Who isn’t a little afraid of the dark? Your Jane Prentiss, though, she was the Corruption, yeah.
ARCHIVIST
Thpiderth aren’t part of that, though. They’re…they’re thomething elthe.
HADES
The Web. I hate it. It’s not just spiders, it’s…pulling the strings of fate, you know?
ARCHIVIST
Prophethieth?
HADES
Yeah. Or obvious temptations…or not so obvious, come to think of it. Manipulation. Being puppeted. That guy Stromboli? He was of the Web.
ARCHIVIST
(Dryly) Not Pinocchio?
HADES
Eh…kid was a victim, not an Avatar.
ARCHIVIST
(under his breath) Ten, eleven, twelve…(Normal volume) Thtill two left. Which oneth am I miththing?
HADES
Where’s the fun in me doing all your work for you?
[FRUSTRATED SIGH FROM THE ARCHIVIST]
Go on. You’ve heard of them. At least tell me what you think they’re about.
ARCHIVIST
There’th…war. But ithn’t that the Hunt or…?
HADES
Nope! That one’s the Slaughter. That’s killing for killing’s sake.
ARCHIVIST
Like Judge Doom.
HADES
He was Desolation, actually. Wanted to wipe out Toon Town for no other reason than it was someplace people loved, someplace special.
ARCHIVIST
…Oh.
Wait. Thpeaking of Doom…Jeththica. When she—when Roger died—she talked about feeling like there wath nobody left in the world. She wath…alone.
That’th the latht one, ithn’t it?
HADES
The Lonely. You got it. That’s the whole Fourteen.
ARCHIVIST
Great! Fantathtic. Full markth to me.
Tho…Woody talked about a Great Twithting. Wath that hith—itth verthion of the Unknowing?
HADES
Ehhhhh…kinda? Yes, but no.
Look, I gotta be honest with you. All of the Fourteen want to come into the world and make it theirs, yanno? It’s like the ultimate in conquest. Everybody wants to rule the world and all that. The thing is that they’re not all gonna look the same. Might not even look the same from attempt to attempt, but they’re all going to encourage their people to try.
ARCHIVIST
(Suspiciously) Thay…you’re not making an attempt, are you?
HADES
If I was, we wouldn’t be talking like this right now, I’d have just left you to loop forever. Granny was always trying to stop them, and you’re following right in her footsteps, so to speak, so if I had a ritual in the works I wouldn’t want you to have the chance to interfere.
But, nah. Tried once. Hercules stopped me. That part of the movie was at least kind of accurate. After that, though, I realized…look, everything comes to me eventually, right? Just gotta be patient. Anyway, in a world remade in the image of Death, everything’s going to eventually die out and then we’d just starve. No point in that, right?
ARCHIVIST
I…I guethth not.
What about the otherth?
HADES
Hm. I mean. I’m not exactly the all seeing, all knowing type. That’s kind of your job.
ARCHIVIST
Surely you hear rumorth.
HADES
Oh, sure, rumors, yeah. And I’ve sure had my share of people coming down here when rituals fail.
‘Cause that’s the thing, you know. People don’t survive these attempts all that much, at least not the ones that haven’t made choices like us.
ARCHIVIST
I’m not thure I like where thith ith going.
HADES
Oh. (Darkly but with an audible smirk) You will.
[THE ARCHIVIST GULPS]
ARCHIVIST
Th-then…the, the ritualth. You thaid everyone hath one. Do I have to…thtop all of them?
HADES
(Back to normal) Oh, nah, nah, probably not. Well, maybe if you live long enough, but hey…(chuckles) if you stay human enough to want to stop them, you probably won’t.
It takes ages to build up the kind of power needed to bring one of those off. Trying it usually means they—we—won’t have the juice to try again for, oh, at least a century. So you don’t have to worry about the Stranger again. Same with the Flesh, Granny took that one out. And yeah, the Great Twisting was the Spiral’s ritual, and that failed.
Might’ve been a few more, but, ha, that’s for you to find out.
ARCHIVIST
You’re not even a teenthy bit curiouth?
HADES
(Indifferently) Why would I be? Like I said, everything comes to me eventually anyway. Death. Terminus. The End. This is one title card you can’t push away. If someone else does win, they’ll only think they’ve won. Eventually, it’ll come to me. I win eventually. What do I care if someone else thinks they’re winning in the meantime?
ARCHIVIST
What if thomeone figureth out how to remake the world for—thay, the Vatht—and not let everyone die? What then?
HADES
Well, then I’ll spend eternity falling into Tartarus without ever landing and be eternally terrified, I guess.
I’d like to think someone will stop it. You, or someone else if you decide you don’t want to.
ARCHIVIST
You keep thaying that. What, you mean I can jutht…go back to Toon Town? Back to being a cartoon thecond banana, the butt of all the joketh, the greedy coward nobody liketh?
I don’t think I can. Not knowing what I know now.
HADES
Probably not. And no, not exactly what I meant. Besides, I think you’re kind of stuck at the Institute now. You bound yourself to the Eye, after all, and that’s its locus of power—I think once you sign that contract, you’re kinda stuck forever.
But you do get to make an actual choice. Probably for the first time in your life.
ARCHIVIST
What do you mean?
HADES
I mean…look. For years, decades—maybe forever—you’ve been bound by contracts, right? You don’t get to turn down a gig. If Jack Warner says “we want Daffy Duck in this cartoon”, you don’t really get to negotiate that, do you? Have you ever been able to say “no, not doing this one, get someone else”?
ARCHIVIST
I’ve thaid no plenty of timeth!
HADES
But did it ever stick? Or did Bugs eventually manipulate you into doing it anyway? At Mr. Warner’s bidding, I might add. Nobody’s ever really had your best interests at heart.
ARCHIVIST
And I thuppothe you do.
HADES
Oh, (laughs) gods, no. I have my best interests at heart. I don’t actually care what happens to you.
But I am offering you a genuine choice. No strings attached. No coercion, no manipulation. Just two plain, simple, straightforward options.
You can die, or you can not.
ARCHIVIST
(Sarcastically) Thankth, I think.
HADES
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. Let me give you the actual details before you sign on the dotted line, yeah?
If you go back, that’s it. You will be a full blown Avatar of the Eye. All those weird creepy not exactly Toonlike things you’ve started doing that you can’t explain? That’s gonna get worse. You’ll have to live off of other people’s fear. The statements will only fuel you a little, and what you’ll really need is someone to sit in front of you, reliving their worst moments, while you just…drink it in. And you’ll make them tell you, whether they want to or not. You might even like it better when you have to force them, when they’re not just offering it to you freely. There won’t be any changing that.
Your other option is to die. Not a cartoon death. There’s no escaping it. No one’s gonna lead you back up the path, the elevator’s not going to go in the other direction, you’re not going to sit up and suddenly feel better. No nine lives, no second chances. You will be dead. Lamented maybe, remembered possibly, but it won’t matter, because there will be no bringing you back. You’ll be mine. Forever. The Fates will cut off your thread and that’s the end of it. But, you won’t have to deal with the consequences of living.
It’s your choice, and yours alone. I’m not gonna offer you any incentives or sweet deals or anything like that. You just have to decide what you want to do.
ARCHIVIST
I…
I can’t leave them. Tweety, Porky…they don’t even know thith much. And if they’re trapped in the Inthtitute, too…the leatht I can do ith protect them. A-and Jonny and Alexth and Bathira…a-and, and the Ambaththador! Even Thasha and Frank…and all the people I don’t know.
I have a purpothe. I have a duty. And, and you thaid there were four ritualth I don’t have to worry about.
HADES
That I know of, yeah.
ARCHIVIST
Well, that leaveth ten that I do. Maybe.
No. There’th no choithe. I have to go back.
HADES
Nice call.
Well. Can’t say we’ll never meet again. I pop around sometimes. Maybe we can get coffee or something and catch up once you’ve saved the world a couple more times. Meanwhile, like you said, I guess you’ve got work to do.
Good luck, Daffy. I think you’re going to need it.
[SOUND OF RUSHING WIND THAT GRADUALLY INCREASES TO A FEVER PITCH UNTIL IT SUDDENLY DROPS AWAY]
[MACHINES BEEPING IN STEADY, REGULAR INTERVALS]
[THE ARCHIVIST SITS BOLT UPRIGHT WITH A LOUD, SUCKING GASP]
BASIRA
Jesus fuck!
[CLICK]