“…Thtatement endth.” Daffy rubbed his brow in some irritation. “I let Wile E take point on thith one. He’th got…thignificant exthperienth with thkydiving and free-falling, and I figured if anyone would be able to get to the bottom of thith, it’d be him. Yeth, I am thtating on the record that I truthted Wile E. Coyote to do a good job on an invethtigation. Don’t make a federal cathe of it.” He paused briefly. “A…royal cathe? Parliamentary? What’th the British equivalent of that? Irrelevant, I guethth.”
Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Firtht thingth firtht. The company that Miththuth Kelly thtateth Robert worked for, Open Thkydiving, doeth not exthitht, and ath far ath Wile E’th rethearch wath able to determine, never did. At leatht, not officially. That’th maybe lethth of an unuthual thituation to the liketh of uth than it ith to the liketh of whoever might be lithtening to thith recording. A name like ‘Open Thkydiving’ ith, perhapth, lethth obviouth than one of uth would have uthed in thith thituation, but I think we’ve all been on one thide or the other of a fictithiouth organithation of that kind—thomething dreamed up in a hurry thpethifically to trap or damage thomeone. The only differentheth are that, firtht of all, it theemtht to have lathtet theveral yearth, and thecond of all, it actually thuctheeded in taking itth victim—if, in fact, Robert Kelly was the one thith company wath thpecifically thet up to capture. That’th perhapth a bit farfetched, and obviouthly we couldn’t confirm that, but to a Toon, ethpecially a Toon who’th been catht ath the villain in hith fair share of pictureth, it’th at leatht plauthible, and it would exthplain why it wath never lithenthed. It showth up in a few newthpaper articleth, but Wile E told me there are about a zillion hoopth that have to be jumped through in order to make thure thethe thingth are thafe. Not everybody health like Toonth do, after all. No precautionth of that nature were taken in Robert’th cathe. Thtill, he doeth theem to have been properly trained, tho at leatht he knew what he was doing…thort of.
“There’th not a lot of detail given about the thkydive where Robert Kelly claimth to have been trathported to an endlethth thky blue nothing. Honethtly, that thtartled uth, too. Even in cartoonth that never really happenth. There’th alwayth a cloud to punch through. Maybe you hover in the air longer than you exthpect, but there’th alwayth thomething to hit.” He shook his head. “I’m getting off thubject…anyway, Wile E actually outdid himthelf on thith one. He thpent almotht a day coming through acthident and inthident reporth for the Doncathter area in June two thouthand and two, and he found one that theemth relevant. On the third of June, Jotheph Puthe reported hearing an impact in the field nextht to hith houthe. When he invethtigated, he found a parathchute had hit the ground at high thpeed, partially burying itthelf in the ground. Wile E went out and athked him, and it turnth out the impact thite ith thtill there. He thayth that, bathed on hith calculationth, the parachute would have been dropped from approxthimately two mileth, ath anything more would have rethulted in dropping at leatht double itth thize into the ground and anything lethth would have meant it jutht thplatted. He’th the exthpert, tho I’m going to trutht him on that one. Thertainly I don’t feel like tethting it mythelf. Mithter Puthe altho thwore to Wile E that there were no planeth or thkydiving taking plathe anywhere near hith property.
“According to polithe reporth, Miththuth Kelly tried to report Rober miththing on the theventh of June, but it proved difficult, due to an abthenthe of any information on frienth or rethidentheth. In fact, for the four yearth before thith inthident, it’th hard to find any evidenthe for Robert Kelly’th exthithtenthe at all. It might jutht be that he moved around a lot, but it feelth like more than that. Miththuth Kelly refuthed our requetht for a follow up interview, thtating that she had no wish to revithit the inthident.”
Daffy picked up the statement again and riffled the pages until he found what he was looking for. “There’th one thing that getht me about thith one, though. Now, ith’th obviouthly hard to be thure, thinthe we’re getting thith information eththenthially thirdhand, but Miththuth Kelly’th dethcription of her thon’th latht thkydive mentionth a Harriet Fairchild, but it’th the mention of the thmall man that getth me. Obviouthly the name ‘Marvin’ ith hardly uncommon, but it maketh me think of—”
The door to his office suddenly burst open and—to Daffy’s shock and, it must be confessed, relief—Porky Pig, looking terrified but unharmed, burst through the door in a way that in another life would have left a pig-shaped hole in the wood. “Porky! What—where have you—”
Porky didn’t speak, just slammed a can down on the desk. The label read PEACHES, but the things that slithered out with a wet shlorrrp were very obviously not peaches. Daffy leaped back in disgust and astonishment. “Good grief—what ith that?!”
His flailing hand hit the tape recorder, snapping it off. Porky didn’t seem to notice. He lunged over the table, grabbed Daffy by the collar, and pulled him up close to his face.
With the lack of stammer that only happened when he was at his most frightened, he practically shouted, “I want to make a statement!”