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DAFFY
Are you sure about thith?
PORKY
Eh-y, eh-y, eh-yes. This is n-not going to go on the, eh, l-laptop.
DAFFY
That’th not what I mean. Why do you want to make a thtatement tho bad?
PORKY
I-I mean, it’s eh-wh, eh-wh, eh-wh, eh-what we eh-d-do here.
DAFFY
No, what we do ith rethearch thtatementh. Uthually made by liarth, prankthterth, and the mentally unwell.
PORKY
Well, you eh-tuh, eh-tuh, eh-trust me, and you can all a-attest to my eh-suh-sanity, eh-r-right?
DAFFY
You are the thtraight man here.
…
Oh, all right, have it your way.
Thtatement of Porky Pig, regarding…
PORKY
An encounter with a eh-bee, eh-bee, eh-bee, eh-being I believe to have once been eh-J-Jane, eh, Prentiss.
DAFFY
Recorded twelfth of March, twothouthand and thixthteen. Thtatement beginth.
PORKY
The l-l-last time I saw you, about, eh, t-two weeks ago now, we were working on the, eh, C-Carlos Vittery statement, the eh-wuh, eh-wuh, eh-wuh, eh-one with the man who d-died trapped in eh-sp-spiderwebs. I remember that you were eh-c, eh-c, eh-c—eh, w-worried about it, even though it seemed n-normal enough to us. After all, eh, c-cartoons have that de—eh-de—eh-de—eh-d-device all the time. I should, eh, p-probably apologize for that, but I’ll g-get there.
Anyway, I eh-w, eh-w, eh-went to the apartment building you eh-g-g-gave me the address for. It eh-l, eh-l, eh-looked normal enough, a-as these things go, but I, eh, I-I went up to the door. When I eh-g, eh-g, eh-got closer, I saw eh-s-something on the grass just outside the door. I th-thought it, eh, m-might have been something someone dropped, but when I g-g-got closer, I saw that it was a white eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh—
DAFFY
For heaven’th thake, thpit it out!
PORKY
I saw that it was a white worm, black on one end, like it had been burned away at some point.
I eh-p, eh-p, eh-panicked, and I eh-s-stomped on it before I thought about it. It burst with a, eh, a l-loud pop, like someone’s eh-h-head exploding. Not as much m-mess as I would have, eh, thought for that n-n-noise, but still a lot of eh-bl, eh-bl, eh-black slime. I w-wiped my foot off on the, eh, g-grass and went up to the, eh, d-door. I r-rang and r-rang, but nobody answered. That’s not eh-n-n-normal for me, you know. Usually the door, eh, c-creaks open or eh-s-somebody opens it, but this—n-nothing. I w-wasn’t about to a-admit that, though, so I thought I’d, eh, I’d find another w-way in.
The b-b-basement window was open, eh-j-just a little, so I eh-f, eh-f, eh-f, eh-forced it open and squeezed in. It was a, eh, a t-tighter fit than I had e-expected, but I managed it. The b—eh-b—eh-b—eh-basement was pretty dusty and cluttered, but it eh-s-seemed harmless enough, like you’d e-expect from any other basement, so I m-m-made my way up the stairs.
I d—eh-d—eh-d—eh-d—eh-didn’t have much luck there, unfortunately. I knocked on the d-door of, eh, N-Number Four, where M-Mr. Vittery used to eh-l, eh-l, eh-l, eh-live, but the, eh, o-old woman who answered didn’t eh-s-speak much English, and she seemed a-a little scared of me. I t—eh-turned around, and there was a m-man standing behind me who didn’t look happy to eh-s, eh-s, eh-see me either. I t-told him I was l-l-looking into Mr. Vi—eh-Vi—eh-Vi—eh-Vittery, and he didn’t get m-much nicer. It, eh, t-turned out he was the owner of the b-building, Mr. Yasir Kundi. He, eh, he eh-w, eh-w, eh-wasn’t thrilled about a, eh, p-pig in his building, but I l-lied and said one of the eh, u-upstairs residents had b-buzzed me in. He told me Mr. Vittery was a g-g-good resident, a little eh-w, eh-w, eh-w, eh—l-loony, but paid his rent on time. Used to have a c-cat, but now it lived with the, eh, the Sandersons in Number T—eh, Two. He was, eh, s-surprised to hear about his death, but couldn’t eh-s-say much more about it, so I came back here to report. And, as I’m sure you kn—eh-know, that was the last time I saw you before I d-disappeared.
I was on my way eh-home when I wondered if there was m-more I could do. After all, we all know cats are m-more talkative than most, eh, p-people who aren’t Toons think, so m-maybe if it was the end of the, eh, the w-workday I’d be able to catch the Sandersons and eh-g, eh-g, eh-get their permission to talk to the cat. And then I re—eh-re—eh-re—eh-remembered seeing c-cobwebs in the, eh, th-the basement.
So I went back. It was eh-d, eh-d, eh-d, eh-dark by the time I g-got back, but I’d thought to, eh, b-bring a flashlight with me. I checked to make s-eh-sure that nobody was watching me, and then I eh-w—eh-w—eh-went through the window again. I kn-knew right away that I’d made a huge mistake. The air was eh-w, eh-w, eh-w, eh—warmer than before, even though it was, eh, F-February, but just as musty. I looked around, but the eh-w, eh-w, eh-w, eh-w, eh-w-webs were old and full of d-dust. If there eh-w-were any spiders, they were h-hiding pretty well. I eh-th, eh-th, eh-thought the most i-interesting part of my trip would be getting a-arrested.
Then I heard a s—eh-s—eh-s—eh-sound, like a rustling. It sounded like m-movement, but not much. Now, I-I’ve done as many of these eh-f-f-files as the rest of you, I kn-eh-know following the sound is a b-bad idea, but—i-it’s our job, isn’t it? I di-eh, di-eh, di-eh, didn’t want to, but I thought I should look into it. A-after all, I usually, eh, c-come out of it all right in the cartoons, right?
So I, eh, m-moved toward the sound with the light held in front of me. I-it seemed so much weaker than before. Well, you kn-know how that goes, too, i-it always seems like the, eh, the flashlight starts to d-d-die right before the, eh, the big scary monster appears behind us. I wasn’t w—eh, worried then, not, eh, not yet, so I, eh, k-kept going. The light was only just showing eh-sh—eh-sh—eh-sh—eh-shapes on the walls, and I was j-just about convinced that it was going to, eh, c-catch on a pair of g-glowing yellow eyes and I’d have to r-run. Instead, though, it fell on a fi—eh-fi—eh-fi—eh-fi—eh-fi—eh, person standing there.
I-it looked like a woman. She was eh-l—eh-l—eh-l—eh-looking away from me, facing the c-corner, with long bl—eh, black hair, although it was, eh, p-pretty dirty, so I’m not sure it was the original color. She had on a grey overcoat like, eh, like the eh-Big Bad Wolf used to wear, but her legs were bare underneath. It eh-l-looked like they were covered in spots, too. She was eh-h, eh-h, eh-holding a handkerchief, a g-green one, I remember that, but it was, eh, really badly stained. That’s honestly how I eh-kn, eh-kn, eh-knew she wasn’t a T-Toon—our handkerchiefs get w-wet, but never d-dirty. She just—stood there. Didn’t seem to n—eh, n-notice the light. I didn’t move, either, just w-waited.
Suddenly she put the handkerchief to her mouth a-and…coughed. That’s, that’s a really bad w—eh-w—eh-w—eh-w—eh-word for it, because it l-l-looked like a cough, but it eh-s, eh-s, e-eh, sounded like when, when—y-you know in the, eh, the T-Tom and J-Jerry cartoons when actually eh-c-c-catches a-and eats Jerry, and the eh-d, eh-d, eh-dog punches him in the s-stomach to get him to spit him out? I-it sounded like that. And it, i-it looked like that, too, because she sp—eh-sp—eh-sp—eh, threw something up.
I-it was—it was another of those worms. Wet, and eh-s, eh-s, eh-slimy, and moving. It eh-h-hit the ground, and I r-remembered that, you know, in the, eh, the c-cartoons where I come out u-unharmed, it’s usually because, eh, s-someone else is there to trigger the traps or catch the villains.
I screamed. I-I’m not ashamed to admit it. We’ve all d-done it, but…eh-w, eh-w, eh-well, this w-wasn’t a c-cartoon, w-was it now? This was eh-r—eh-r—eh-r—eh-real. Usually the, eh, the b-bad guy has already seen us b-before we scream, but…that’s how I got her attention.
I did not want her attention.
She sn-eh, sn-eh, sn-eh—l-looked around at me, almost as fast as a-a Toon might have. Her eyes were—b-badly drawn, is the b-best way I can, eh, p-put it. Not, not like she was being animated to be c—eh, crazy, but like the i-ink smudged at the, eh, the p-pupils. And when she smi—eh-smi—eh-smi—eh, grinned at me, her teeth were eh-ch—eh-chipped and broken. She reached up and eh-le, eh-le, eh-le—
[DEEP BREATH]
Y-you know how, when there’s a, eh, a-a fancy lady in a, a fur coat, sometimes she just—l-lets it drop? I-I think Bugs did it a few times, a-and there’s that scene in A-Anastasia…well, sh—eh-sh—eh-sh—eh, she did just th-that. The overcoat just—d-dropped away. She wasn’t eh-w, eh-w, eh-wearing anything underneath, a-and her skin was—i-it was g—eh-g—eh-g—eh-grey, and f-full of holes. Each one had a w—eh-w—eh-w—eh-w-worm in it, the s-silvery ones with the b-black tips like I’d, eh, s-stepped on outside.
She eh-t, eh-t, eh-t, eh-t-took a step towards me, and I b-backed up. The w-worms started , eh, f-falling out of her in a w-eh, w-eh, w-eh—wave like eh-s-somebody pouring m-marbles out of a sack. I th-thought I should, eh, t-take a picture for you, so I was r—eh-r—eh-r—eh-reaching for my, eh, ph-phone. I-I thought you’d never believe me if I d-didn’t. E-except I dropped it. Right as I g-got the camera app up, one of the w-eh, w-eh, w-eh, w-worms sprung right at me, a-and I threw the phone at it and ran.
You know, I-I never thought about it, but…I-I think I mostly expected it would just eh-re—eh-re—eh-re—eh, reappear in my p-pocket or my a-apartment when I needed it. E-even though I’d already realized this wasn’t a c-cartoon, there was still a, eh, a-a part of me that thought it would w-work like that. So I ran for the t—eh-t—eh-t—eh-t-Tube station as fast as I could, a-and I just made it. I ch—eh-ch—eh-ch—eh-checked every inch of the seat for w-worms before I sat down.
My fl—eh-fl—eh-fl—eh-fl—eh—m-my apartment is at the other end of the N-Northern line, so by the, eh, t-time I got home I felt a b-bit safer, if completely exhausted. It’s a m-modern place, no l-eh, l-eh, l-eh, l-landline installed, so I couldn’t even c-call you. You need a phone to, eh, s-send a telegram, so I thought I’d send you an email, but I was too tired, so I just c-eh, c-collapsed into bed. I was g-going to let you know in the m-morning, m-maybe call out. I don’t how, eh, h-how long I slept for, but it was still d-dark when the kn—eh, kn—eh, knocking woke me up. A-and then it all came flooding back.
Now, I-I know some of what I did was a bit s—eh, s—eh, s—eh, s—eh, l-loony, really, but I’m not stupid. I-I know the tropes. And I know that i-if someone was, eh—eh, knocking on my door, i-it was probably her. That was also when I realized that I d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d—eh, d-didn’t have any power. No lights, no i-internet, no n-nothing.
The knocking was s-still happening. I r-remembered that, eh, that s-statement we looked into a-a while back, with the w—eh, w—eh, w—eh, w-woman who burst into w-worms, a-and I realized it was that w-woman you told us about, eh, J-Jane Prentiss. I-it had to be. I-I didn’t have a peephole in my door, eh, b-but I looked under it, a-and I saw—I-I saw one of the worms, eh, t-trying to wriggle under it. I-I might’ve lost my mind a little. I-I stomped on it until it was d-dead, a-and then I went around and stopped up every cr—eh, cr—eh, cr—eh, cr—eh, p-place a worm might g-get in through. A-and then I just…waited.
This went on for, eh, th-thirteen days. E-every time I thought it might be s—eh, s—eh, s-safe to open my d-door, I’d hear the kn-knocking again. L-luckily there was no, eh, no p-problem with water, a-although I worried about the worms coming through the, eh, th-the pipes, a-and I had enough to eat, mostly, although I had to r—eh, ration it a bit at the end there. But I-I think the worst part was the, eh, the b-boredom. No phone, no internet, no t—eh, t-television…I only have a f-few books anymore, a-and I must have read all of them a-at least three times. I t—eh, t—eh, t-tried to remember what we kn—eh, knew about Jane P-Prentiss. The only th—eh, th—eh-th—eh, things I could remember were that she said she was a w-witch, a-and that she’d killed, eh, s-six people. She never talked to m-me. I could have, eh, I-I could have heard her through the d-door, but she never t-tried. I d—eh, d—eh, d—eh-d—eh, don’t know if that would have m-made a difference or not, but it t-told on me.
Then, this m-morning, she was g-gone. I don’t know how I kn—eh, knew it, but i-it wasn’t the same as when she was, eh, just n-not knocking. It was like—a-an absence. I can’t, eh, I-I can’t hear the background music like you can, D-Daffy, but if I could, her, eh, her m-motif would have stopped playing. It eh-st, eh-st, eh-still took me a couple of ho-hours to open the door, b-but when I did, she was g-gone.
I didn’t stop to g—eh, g—eh, g—eh, g—eh, grab anything. I just r-ran. I r-ran the whole way h-here, and—a-and here I am.
DAFFY
Thtatement endth.
Porky, are you sure about all of thith?
PORKY
Of course. I wouldn’t l-lie to you.
I l—eh, l—eh, l—eh, l-like this job. M-most of the time. I-it’s not cartooning, but i-it’s a n-nice challenge.
DAFFY
In that cathe, there’th a cot in the offithe. I uthe it thometimeth when I’m working late. It’th not a Murphy bed, which meanth it’th lethth likely to fold itthelf up with you inthide it. You can thleep on that for now. And I’ll talk to Bugth about hiring thome more thecurity.
WILE E. COYOTE
You think security is truly necessary?
DAFFY
Lithten, Buthter, I’ve theen a lot of thtuff in the latht theventy-eight yearth, ten monthth, three weekth, and three dayth, but I’ve never theen a human being actually turn into a Toon. Dithguithing yourthelf ath a Toon ith one thing, but you can’t actually turn into one. Tho Jane Prentithth ith thtill human, which meanth the thtuff we uthually uthe for defenthe ithn’t going to cut the muthtard. The lockth on the Archiveth should be thtrong enough for now, though. And it’th humidity controlled, thuppothedly, even though it hathn’t been working for thome time, tho nothing’th getting through any crackth.
PORKY
You b—eh, b—eh, believe me? N-not that I’m not g—eh, grateful, but why?
TWEETY
Dwanny wouwdn’t have.
DAFFY
You thaid you lotht your phone two weekth ago?
PORKY
Th-thereabouts.
DAFFY
Well. In that time, I’ve retheived theveral texthtth from you thaying that you were thick with thtomach issueth. The latht one thaid you thought it might be a parathite. It’th not even like in the cartoonth, where there’th an obviouth forethhadowing that it’th not you on the other end.
Here, look at—
[PHONE BUZZING]
PORKY
Wh—eh, w—eh, w-what is it?
DAFFY
Another textht. From you.
“Keep him. We’ve had our fun. He will want to thee it when the Archivitht’th crimthon fate arriveth.”
PORKY
Eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w, eh-w-w—eh, h-help me out here, guys.
TWEETY
What does dat mean, Daffy?
DAFFY
It meanth I’m not athking Bugth for more thecurity, I’m telling him. I’m altho having a look through the Archiveth mythelf. I think we have a thtatement from Mithth Prentithth herthelf in here thomewhereth.
WILE E. COYOTE
You truly think it is she, then?
TWEETY
Sewiouswy?
DAFFY
I’ve never been more theriouth in my life. I know that’th not hard for a Toon, ethpecially one like me, but I mean it. If Jane Prentithth ith after any of my thtaff, she’th going to have to go through me to do it.
End recording.
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